Are You Wired to Be Emotionally Manipulated? (Part 1)
30 SEPTEMBER 2025
Recognising the Subtle Strings of Manipulation
Have you ever felt like a puppet on a string, controlled by someone else? Maybe you’ve been nudged into saying yes when you wanted to say no. Or you were quietly pressured into giving up something important to you, just to keep the peace. Even when you tried to resist, somehow, the more you pulled away, the deeper you felt trapped.
If this sounds familiar, you might be asking yourself: Am I someone who’s easily manipulated?
Let’s see if we can uncover the answer with a simple exercise.
When do you believe intimacy should happen in a romantic relationship?
A. After a few dates
B. After at least three months
C. After six months
D. After marriage
Take a moment to think about it. Don’t overthink, just go with your gut.
Got your answer?
Now, while this isn’t a scientific test, your answer reveals an important aspect of how you respond to your personal values versus societal expectations.
- A. After a few dates: If this was your choice, you likely rely more on your own judgment and emotional cues than on what society thinks is appropriate. That flexibility can make you less susceptible to manipulation because you’re tuned into how you feel, not just what others expect from you.
- B, C, or D (especially D. After marriage): If you leaned towards these options, it may point to a mindset influenced by tradition, societal rules, or external pressure. While there’s nothing wrong with tradition, this type of thinking can sometimes leave you open to manipulation, especially if you’ve been taught that “being good” means being obedient, self-sacrificing, or putting others’ needs above your own.
Manipulation’s Hidden Playground: Close Relationships
Manipulation thrives where the stakes are highest: in your closest relationships. Whether it’s with your partner, your parents, your boss, friends, or colleagues, this is where love, approval, and belonging are often on the line.
If you’ve ever sensed someone using guilt, pressure, silence, or charm to get their way with you…
You’re not alone. This article is for you.
Let’s keep going, you may start seeing things more clearly than ever before.
The Danger of Inconsistent Treatment in Relationships
When your partner treats you inconsistently, sometimes warm, sometimes distant. How do you typically respond?
Take a moment to reflect on this.
How do you usually handle emotional uncertainty in relationships?
A. You try to rationally analyse the relationship
B. You ask friends or family for advice
C. You assume the best and give them the benefit of the doubt
Pause for a second and think about it. Which one feels like you?
- A. You try to rationally analyse the relationship: If this resonates with you, that’s a good sign. You probably take a step back to observe the patterns. This logical approach helps you spot inconsistencies and ask the right questions. By doing so, you’re less likely to be swept up in emotional confusion and are less vulnerable to manipulation.
- B. You ask friends or family for advice: This is a great move. When emotions run high, it can be difficult to see things clearly. Asking trusted friends or family members for advice gives you a fresh perspective. They can often notice red flags that you might overlook while you’re emotionally invested.
- C. You assume the best and give them the benefit of the doubt: If this feels like you, it’s time to reflect more deeply. While optimism is generally a good trait, constantly giving the benefit of the doubt, especially when someone treats you poorly, can leave you more open to manipulation. Let’s explore why.
The Hidden Danger: External Locus of Control
Always assuming the best about someone, even when their actions don’t align with their words, can sometimes reflect an externally focused mindset. Psychologists call this an external locus of control, a belief that your life and emotions are largely shaped by outside forces, like other people’s moods or circumstances, rather than by your own decisions and boundaries.
When you’re in this mindset, it becomes easier to justify bad behaviour. You might think, “He’s just stressed,” or “She didn’t mean it that way,” even when the behaviour keeps hurting you. Unfortunately, manipulators quickly learn how to take advantage of this mindset and use it to control your emotions and reactions.
It’s Not Weakness, It’s a Learned Coping Mechanism
This doesn’t mean you’re weak or naive, it means you’ve likely learned over time that being optimistic and forgiving keeps things easier and safer. This coping mechanism might have shielded you from discomfort in the past, but it can also open the door for others to take control over you.
You Deserve Consistency and Clarity
You deserve clarity. You deserve consistency. Recognising these patterns and the ways manipulation works is the first step toward regaining your emotional freedom. By understanding how these tactics play out, you can make more empowered decisions in your relationships.
When Pleasing Everyone Leaves You Powerless
Picture this.
You’ve just wrapped up a long day at work when your boss stops by your desk. He smiles, casually inviting you to join him and his wife for dinner that evening. It’s last-minute, but there’s an unspoken pressure in his tone, it feels like saying no might leave a bad impression.
The problem?
Your partner is already at home, expecting a cozy evening with you, something the two of you had been looking forward to all week.
So… what do you do?
A. Politely decline and head home to be with your partner
B. Ask if your partner can join the dinner
C. Apologise to your partner and agree to dinner with your boss
Take a second.
Which one feels most like you?
How Your Answer Reveals More Than You Think
If you chose A, chances are you have a strong sense of priorities. You value personal relationships and know how to hold your ground, even when someone in a position of power makes a request. That kind of clarity isn’t just admirable; it protects you from being pulled into dynamics where your needs take a backseat to someone else’s expectations.
If you chose C, you might be more inclined to appease authority, even when it costs you something personal. This isn’t uncommon. Many of us grew up being taught that being polite, agreeable, and professional means putting ourselves last when someone important makes a request.
But if you picked B, let’s pause here. Because this one’s tricky.
The People-Pleaser’s Dilemma
On the surface, option B sounds like a win-win. Why not try to accommodate everyone? Seems thoughtful, right?
But here’s the catch: constantly trying to keep everyone happy might seem like a kind, diplomatic move. Yet it’s often less about kindness and more about fear. Fear of disappointing someone. Fear of rejection. Fear of conflict.
That urge to smooth things over before anything gets uncomfortable? It can stem from a deeper pattern: one where approval, love, or even emotional safety depended on how agreeable you were. And people who want to control you? They can smell that a mile away.
They know you’ll stretch yourself thin just to avoid letting anyone down. And once they sense that, they’ll begin steering your choices to suit their needs.
There’s Nothing Wrong With You. This Was Survival
Let’s be clear: this doesn’t make you weak or flawed. It often means you were conditioned to believe that being liked or accepted required self-sacrifice. Maybe you learned that love had strings attached. Or that disappointing someone, even just a little, put your connection at risk.
But you’re not that powerless child anymore.
You’re allowed to prioritise your own needs.
You’re allowed to disappoint one person.
You’re allowed to say no, even when the person asking holds authority.
The more you see these old reflexes for what they are, the less they get to run the show.
Let’s keep going, you’re getting closer to reclaiming your voice.
The Quiet Power of Manipulation
Let’s break this down.
A manipulator doesn’t need to be clever or evil-genius smart.
They only need two simple steps:
1. Give You What You Crave
They start by offering approval, affection, attention, or praise. Whatever makes you feel seen, understood, or valued. It feels so good, almost like relief.
Like:
Finally, someone gets me.
Finally, I’m safe here.
Finally, I’m enough.
And then…
2. Threaten to Take It Away
Here’s where the hook tightens. They don’t need to say anything cruel or direct. All it takes is a pause.
A delayed text.
A cold shoulder.
A subtle shift in tone.
The warmth disappears, and suddenly your nervous system is sounding the alarm.
“What did I do wrong?”
“How do I fix this?”
“Maybe if I just try harder…”
If you’re someone who’s deeply attached to earning approval, even the slightest hint of disapproval can feel like danger. You may not realise it, but every time you twist yourself to win back their warmth, that invisible leash pulls tighter.
Approval Addiction: The Hidden Trap
When you’re hooked on keeping others happy, you live in quiet fear of losing their affection.
You bend.
You overextend.
You silence yourself.
Not because you’re weak, but because somewhere along the way, you learned that kindness was the currency for connection. That pleasing others kept you safe. That conflict or rejection meant you’d be left alone.
But here’s the thing:
Kindness isn’t the problem.
It’s when kindness becomes a survival strategy. When it stops being a choice and starts being the only way you know how to stay connected.
What Manipulators See (Even When You Don’t)
If your need for approval runs deep, especially if it began in childhood, manipulators sense it without effort.
You may think you’re just being nice, thoughtful, generous.
But to them?
You look like someone who will do anything to avoid disapproval, confrontation, or worst of all… abandonment.
And that fear of abandonment?
That’s the hidden button they keep pressing.
They don’t have to raise their voice.
They just have to pull back, and you’ll come chasing.
Who Really Has the Power?
Let’s pause here.
Who makes manipulation possible: the manipulator… or the one being manipulated?
You’ve got five seconds.
5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
Here’s the uncomfortable truth:
It’s the manipulated.
Because manipulation only works when you keep choosing to compromise. When you abandon yourself in hopes that someone else won’t abandon you.
But the moment you spot the pattern…
The moment you realise you’re not powerless…
You take your agency back.
You stop chasing warmth that vanishes every time you speak your truth.
You’re already one step ahead, just by noticing.
We’ll explore this more in the next article. For now, breathe.
You’re not alone in this, and you’re not behind.
