5 Must-Know Emotional Intelligence Skills for Better Conversations!
20 MAY 2025
How Emotional Intelligence Can Transform the Way You Communicate
Let me ask you something, can you speak? Of course, you can! But have you ever noticed how some people seem to win others over effortlessly, while you sometimes feel like you accidentally rub people the wrong way? Why do some conversations flow naturally, while others fizzle out?
Is communication really just about talking? Or is there something more to it?
Today, let’s explore how emotional intelligence, understanding and managing emotions in yourself and others, can completely change the way you communicate.
The Power of Acknowledging Perspectives
One of the most powerful communication skills is learning to acknowledge the other person’s perspective. This means recognising the truth in what they’re saying before responding. Sounds simple, right? But let’s break it down with an example:
Imagine someone says, “I’m sceptical about what you’re sharing today; I don’t think it’ll be useful for me.“
Your first instinct might be to defend yourself or prove them wrong. But what happens when we react that way? The conversation can quickly turn into a debate about who’s right, and that rarely leads to anything productive.
Instead, let’s try acknowledging their perspective. Suppose you tell me, “I don’t think this article will be useful for me.” If I take that as criticism and immediately try to argue my point, we’re heading straight for conflict.
But what if I responded differently?
“That makes sense. A lot of people feel that way at first. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure if this content will be helpful to you either.“
See the difference? Instead of shutting you down, I validate your feelings. I recognise that scepticism is normal. This keeps the conversation open and makes you feel heard, rather than pushed into an argument.
Now, instead of stopping there, I take it a step further. I ask:
“Why do you feel this content isn’t useful to you? I’d love to hear more about your thoughts.“
By responding to scepticism with curiosity instead of defensiveness, I invite the other person into a meaningful conversation. This approach keeps communication open, encourages dialogue, and prevents conversations from turning into unnecessary conflicts.
The Power of Empathy in Communication
Now, let’s talk about something even deeper, the power of empathy in communication. If you’ve ever had a conversation where you felt truly heard, chances are, empathy was at play.
Empathy is what helps us connect. It’s not just about understanding what someone is saying but also recognising how they feel while saying it. And when we bring empathy into our conversations, we create space for real understanding.
There are two main types of empathy:
- Cognitive empathy – Understanding someone’s perspective and recognising their thoughts.
- Emotional empathy – Tuning into their feelings and validating their emotions.
Both are important, but how do we actually use them in a conversation?
Applying Empathy in a Real-Life Conversation
Let’s say you and your father have a disagreement. Frustrated, he says:
“Why do you never listen to me? You’re as stubborn as a mule!“
Now, your first instinct might be to argue back (“I do listen! You just don’t see it!“), but that would likely escalate things. Instead, let’s apply empathy.
You could say:
“It sounds like you feel I don’t listen, and that frustrates you.“
This is Cognitive Empathy in action. Instead of just repeating his words or defending yourself, you’re recognising the core of what he’s saying, his belief that you’re not considering his perspective.
Next, you could add:
“It seems like this really upset you.“
Here, you’re acknowledging his emotions without assuming exactly how he feels. This is Emotional Empathy, tuning into the emotions behind his words instead of just reacting to them.
Why Specific Empathy Matters
Ever had someone say, “I totally understand you,” only for it to feel… well, hollow? That’s because vague empathy can come across as dismissive rather than supportive.
A more meaningful approach in this scenario would be:
“Dad, although hearing you say this makes me feel sad, I can see that this really matters to you, and I want to understand why it’s upsetting you.”
This response does two things:
- It expresses your emotions honestly.
- It reassures the other person that their feelings still matter to you.
The Role of Vulnerability in Communication
Empathy isn’t just about understanding others, it’s also about showing yourself. When you allow yourself to be a little vulnerable, it can shift the whole dynamic of a conversation.
Let’s say instead of reacting defensively, you say:
“I don’t want us to argue. It hurts me when we misunderstand each other, but I still want to hear what you’re trying to say.“
This kind of honesty often reduces defensiveness. Instead of escalating tension, it signals that you’re approaching the discussion with sincerity, not aggression.
Now, will empathy always stop criticism or blame? Not necessarily. But it does make people pause. When someone realises you’re listening instead of fighting back, they often soften in response. And that moment, when defensiveness turns into understanding, can be the key to a more meaningful and constructive conversation.
When Words Become Weapons: A Couple’s Breaking Point
Let’s look at another example, this time, a married couple caught in the storm of miscommunication.
The husband had been away on a business trip for several days. While he was gone, their child fell ill. The mother was left to handle it all, doctor visits, sleepless nights, juggling the household, feeling completely drained. She barely had time to breathe, let alone process her emotions.
When her husband finally returned, she thought he’d come in with open arms, eager to check on their child, to ask how she was holding up.
But instead, he walked straight to the bedroom and made a phone call.
She watched him from the doorway, her exhaustion boiling into resentment.
“Does he not care? Did he even think about us while he was away?“
Something in her snapped.
“Why do you even bother coming home?” she blurted. “This family doesn’t need you! You might as well stay out! Do you think this house is just a hotel for you?!“
Her voice was sharp, but underneath it was hurt. She wasn’t just angry about that moment, she was angry about every moment she had felt alone.
Her husband, blindsided, felt his own frustration rising.
“Do you think it’s easy for me out there?” he shot back. “I work non-stop, dealing with difficult clients, an impossible boss, endless stress, and now I come home only to be yelled at? Why should I even come back? Do you think I want to be here? Looking at your face filled with anger, do you think that’s pleasant for me? At least when I stay at a hotel, the staff treats me with respect. This home doesn’t even feel like home anymore!“
The words landed like a slap.
Her heart pounded. She felt like he had just confirmed her worst fear, he doesn’t even want to be here.
“Then leave!” she screamed. “Go right now! This family doesn’t need you! Haven’t I been the one holding things together while you were gone? Do you think I haven’t handled everything on my own all these years?!“
His chest tightened.
“If I wasn’t out there making money to support you, do you think everything would have just fallen into place?!“
At this point, they were no longer arguing about a phone call, or the sick child, or the business trip.
They were arguing about everything they had never said.
His voice shook with anger. “We went from living in a tiny flat to this big house. Our lives have kept improving. Do you think that just happened on its own? I’ve worked day and night for this family!“
She clenched her jaw. “And I’ve been here! Day and night, making sure this house, this family, actually functions!“
Each sentence was a wound. Each word pushed them further apart.
But underneath the shouting, neither of them was saying what they truly meant.
See, the real fight wasn’t about the business trip. It wasn’t about the sick child.
It was about not feeling seen.
It was about not feeling valued.
And the more they fought, the more disconnected they became.
How Empathy Changes Everything
Now, what if just one of them responded differently? What if, instead of reacting with anger, one of them used empathy?
Let’s rewind. The husband comes home, opens the door, and immediately senses tension in the air. His wife, exhausted and emotionally drained, fires off her frustration:
“Oh, so you still remember to come home? You’re always busy outside. This house is just a hotel to you, isn’t it?!“
It’s a loaded statement, one that could easily trigger an argument. But instead of snapping back, he pauses. He takes a breath and chooses empathy.
“I can tell you’re exhausted and frustrated,” he says softly. “You’ve been handling everything on your own while I was away, and that’s not fair to you.“
Just like that, the energy shifts. He isn’t dismissing her feelings or trying to argue, he’s acknowledging them.
Then, instead of rushing to defend himself, he reassures her in a way that speaks to her heart:
“I know it might feel like I’m always running around outside, but home is never just a hotel to me. I’ve stayed in the nicest places, but no hotel could ever compare to home, because home has you, our child, and our life together. Everything I do out there is for one reason, to come back home.“
Now, instead of fuelling the fire, his words soften it. His wife, still overwhelmed, might respond:
“I just don’t feel your presence in this home. I don’t feel like you’re really here.“
This is another moment where defensiveness could creep in. But he holds his ground, staying connected to her emotions:
“I hear you. It must feel really lonely handling everything by yourself. I don’t want you to feel that way.“
By validating her emotions before explaining his own, he makes space for real connection. Then, when he finally shares his side, it doesn’t sound like an excuse, it sounds like the truth:
“I know you’ve done so much for this family, and I don’t take that for granted. I also want you to know that being away isn’t easy for me either. I miss you. I miss our child. I might not always show it the right way, but I’ve been supporting our home in the only way I know how. The truth is, we’re both working hard for the same reason, to build a better life for our family.“
Now, let me ask you, if you were the wife, how would you feel after hearing this? Would you still be as angry? Would you still feel completely alone in your struggles?
Maybe not entirely, but you would feel heard. And that’s the first step toward real communication.
That’s the power of empathy.
It doesn’t mean instantly fixing everything. It doesn’t mean suppressing your own emotions. It simply means making the other person feel seen, heard, and understood. And sometimes, that’s all it takes to turn conflict into connection.
The Power of Asking the Right Questions
Have you ever been in a conversation where you wanted to help but didn’t know what to say? Maybe someone close to you was upset, and you felt the urge to fix the problem or offer advice, but instead, the conversation only got more tense.
That’s where the Questioning Method comes in. Instead of reacting impulsively or jumping to conclusions, this approach focuses on gentle, open-ended questions that help the other person express their emotions. It’s a powerful way to resolve misunderstandings, strengthen relationships, and encourage self-reflection.
Let’s take an example. Imagine your child says:
“Mom, I don’t want to live anymore. Life has no meaning. I want to leave this world.“
Your heart drops. Panic sets in. What do you do?
The instinct for many parents is to immediately reassure or problem-solve. But in this moment, the most important thing isn’t fixing, it’s listening.
Instead of saying, “Don’t say that! Life is beautiful!” or “You have no reason to feel this way!“, try something else.
Take a deep breath, steady your voice, and say:
“I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. Can you tell me more about what’s been going on?“
This small shift changes everything. By asking instead of assuming, you open a door for your child to share what’s really happening inside.
How to Respond with Empathy
If your child continues to express distress, you can take the conversation deeper:
“Hearing you say this really breaks my heart. You’re only 17, what have you been through to make you feel this way? This is such a beautiful stage of life, yet you want to disappear… That must mean you’re carrying a lot inside, things I don’t know about. I need to reflect as a parent, too. Maybe I haven’t truly understood what you’re going through. But you know, I once had similar thoughts. I felt lost, too. Can you tell me when these feelings first started? What happened around that time?“
This response does three crucial things:
- Validates their emotions instead of dismissing them.
- Encourages self-reflection by helping them connect their feelings to past experiences.
- Shows vulnerability, making it easier for them to open up.
What Not to Say
Sometimes, in an attempt to snap someone out of their emotions, people respond with frustration:
“What do you mean life has no meaning? I’ve worked so hard to raise you into a responsible person! Don’t say things like that, it’s nonsense!“
While this might come from a place of love, it shuts the conversation down. Instead of feeling heard, the child may now feel ashamed, misunderstood, or even more isolated.
Instead, here’s a better way to approach it:
“I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. Can you think of a time when you felt truly happy or excited? What were you doing at that moment? What made you feel that way?“
This is an example of Socratic questioning, a psychological approach that guides someone toward their own insights rather than imposing solutions on them. By helping your child remember moments of joy or meaning, you encourage them to reconnect with the things that matter to them.
Why Questions Work Better Than Solutions
You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to ask the right questions.
When you communicate this way, your conversations become more constructive. Instead of escalating conflict, you create a safe space for reflection and healing.
That’s the power of thoughtful, open-ended questions, they don’t just start conversations. They create connections.
The Art of Self-Expression in Conversations
Have you ever been in an argument where, no matter how much you tried to explain yourself, the other person only got more defensive?
That’s often because of how we express our emotions. Many people start with blame:
“You never listen to me!”
“You only care about yourself!”
“You always make everything about you!”
When conversations start this way, it’s no surprise they quickly turn into a battle of defences rather than an open discussion. But there’s a better way.
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me!“, try:
“I feel unheard, and it’s really frustrating. I just want to feel like what I’m saying matters to you.“
This small shift changes everything. Instead of attacking, you’re sharing your feelings. Instead of blame, you’re inviting understanding.
What Makes Self-Expression Effective?
The key to expressing yourself without escalating conflict is using ‘I-statements’, a simple but powerful technique where you focus on your own emotions, needs, and experiences instead of accusing the other person.
There are three key aspects to this:
- Expressing difficult emotions – “I feel really sad right now.“
- Expressing vulnerability – “I feel powerless in this situation.“
- Expressing personal needs and desires – “I really hope we can find a way to work through this,” or “I wish you would check in with me more often.“
By framing your words this way, you take ownership of your emotions instead of making the other person feel attacked. And when someone doesn’t feel attacked, they’re far more likely to actually listen.
How This Works in Real Life
Let’s say someone tells you:
“You only care about yourself! You never consider other people’s feelings!“
Now, how do you respond without fuelling the argument?
Here’s how you can shift the conversation:
- “I feel sad hearing that because I do care, and I don’t want to come across that way.” → Expressing your emotion instead of reacting defensively.
- “I can see why it might seem that way to you.” → Acknowledging their perspective (cognitive empathy).
- “I understand why this would be upsetting for you.” → Validating their feelings.
- “It must feel really frustrating to feel unheard.” → Showing emotional empathy.
- “I know you’re saying this because something really matters to you.” → Recognising their deeper intention.
- “Can you help me understand what’s really upsetting you?” → Using the Questioning Method to invite a more open conversation.
By responding this way, you move away from blame and frustration and toward understanding and resolution.
Putting It All Together
Notice how this response combines multiple techniques? You’re using self-expression, empathy, and open-ended questions, all working together to defuse tension and create connection.
This is why how we express ourselves matters. Sharing our emotions is important, but if we let our emotions control the conversation, we risk pushing others away instead of bringing them closer.
The goal isn’t just to speak, it’s to be heard, understood, and connected.
Eight Simple Shifts for More Emotionally Intelligent Communication
The way we phrase things has a huge impact on how others perceive and respond to us. A simple wording change can turn an awkward moment into a warm exchange, soften a rejection, or make a conversation more constructive.
Here are eight small shifts that can make a big difference in your daily interactions:
- From “It’s too expensive” → To “I can buy it in the future.”
Imagine you’re shopping with a friend, and they suggest buying something outside your budget. Instead of shutting the conversation down with, “That’s too expensive,” try saying, “It’s not the right time for me, but I can buy it in the future.” This keeps the conversation positive and open-ended rather than dismissive. - From “I have no money” → To “I’m working toward it.”
If a friend invites you to an expensive event and you’re on a tight budget, saying “I have no money” can sound defeated or even embarrassing. Instead, saying “I’m working toward it” shifts the focus to growth and possibility rather than lack. - From “I won’t lend it” → To “I’m not able to lend money right now.”
Rejecting a request for money can feel awkward. A direct “I won’t lend it” might come across as harsh. A softer way to say no is “I’m not able to lend money right now.” This acknowledges the request without making it personal or uncomfortable. - From “I don’t know how” → To “I’d love to learn more about that.”
Imagine you’re in a job interview, and the employer asks if you’re familiar with a specific skill. Instead of saying “I don’t know how,” which suggests a dead-end, try “I’d love to learn more about that.” This shows initiative and a growth mindset, which employers (and people in general) appreciate. - From “I don’t want to talk about it” → To “I’m not ready to talk about this right now, but I appreciate your concern.”
Sometimes, we’re not ready to discuss something, and that’s okay. But a blunt “I don’t want to talk about it” might push people away. A softer alternative, “I’m not ready to talk about this right now, but I appreciate your concern”, protects your privacy while keeping the connection intact. - From “I’m not free” → To “I won’t be able to make it this time, but I’d love to catch up soon.”
A simple “I’m not free” might sound dismissive or uninterested. Instead, try “I won’t be able to make it this time, but I’d love to catch up soon.” This makes it clear you value the invitation and want to stay connected. - From “I’m late” → To “Thank you for waiting for me.”
If you’re running late, a quick “Sorry, I’m late” might sound like an excuse. Saying “Thank you for waiting for me” shifts the focus to appreciation rather than an apology, which helps smooth over the situation. - From “Don’t mind me, go ahead” → To “I’ll see you when you’re back.”
When a friend or family member is leaving, saying “Don’t mind me, go ahead” can sound indifferent. Instead, saying “I’ll see you when you’re back” conveys warmth and care, making them feel valued.
These small language tweaks might seem subtle, but they shape how people feel about our words. High-EQ communication isn’t just about what we say, it’s about how we say it.
The Power of How You Say Things
At the end of the day, communication isn’t just about being right, it’s about being effective. Many people focus on proving their point, but they forget the true goal of communication: understanding and connection.
Every conversation leaves an impact, some bring people closer, while others create distance. Which one do you want your words to do?
Once you learn to communicate with emotional intelligence, you’ll find that the whole world opens up to you.
