Healing Yourself to Heal Your Relationship: Self-Responsibility for Lasting Love
05 NOVEMBER 2024
Why Trying to Change Your Partner Doesn’t Work
Have you ever tried to change your partner? How did that turn out? If I could give you one piece of advice, it’d be, ‘Don’t bother.’ In relationships, there’s an essential truth: the person who feels the pain is the one who needs to change.
In this article, we’re diving deep into relationship dynamics and exploring why the responsibility to adjust often falls on the person experiencing the discomfort. If your partner doesn’t feel the same tension, why would they feel motivated to change?
The Misconception of Blaming Your Partner
Many of us believe that the root of our pain in relationships lies in our partner’s behaviour, leading to the common idea: if they would just change, everything would improve. This belief often drives people to try to ‘fix’ or ‘heal’ their partner. But here’s the catch: while their actions might hurt you deeply, those same actions may not affect them in the slightest.
Consider a situation where your partner may seem lazy, lacks ambition, or isn’t particularly goal-oriented. At its core, this is their business. Change will only happen if they feel dissatisfied enough to take the initiative themselves. By worrying about it, you’re stressing over something that doesn’t bother them at all, which often leaves you feeling frustrated, exhausted, and emotionally drained.
Why You Can’t Force Someone to Change
We often assume that the person who is ‘in the wrong’ should be the one to change. However, those individuals may not have the capability—or desire—to change. It’s crucial to remember that true change requires effort and self-awareness, and not everyone possesses these. When we label our partner as the ‘problem’ and decide they need fixing, we unintentionally place ourselves in a position of superiority, assuming the role of their “saviour.”
This expectation creates a dynamic where we assume they’ll follow our lead. But in reality, this approach is almost always bound to fail. No one enjoys feeling blamed or controlled, and the natural response to such a stance is usually strong resistance.
Understanding the Root of Your Partner’s Pain
Recognise that much of the pain you experience from your partner’s behaviour likely stems from their past—things like family background, upbringing, societal pressures, and personal life experiences. If you take it upon yourself to ‘heal’ these deep-rooted wounds, you’re stepping into challenging territory—one that could even border on narcissism. Are you aiming to be their partner or their parent? Remember, you’re not their parent, and they need to stand on their own two feet as independent adults. Their real parents are no longer responsible for them, and neither should you be.
Relationships Are About Managing Emotions, Not Tasks
Though it might seem like relationships are about managing day-to-day tasks, the reality is they’re centred around managing emotions and feelings. Remember, what truly makes or breaks a relationship isn’t how well you manage practical aspects, but how effectively you navigate emotional exchanges between each other.
All too often, we get caught up on external details—such as behaviours or disagreements over minor issues. By doing this, we avoid addressing our genuine emotions, creating conflicts that slowly erode the foundation of the relationship.
The Complex Dynamic of Relationship Building
When two people come together, they each bring their own histories—unique backgrounds, upbringings, experiences, and even personal traumas. Have you considered just how different you and your partner might actually be? You each come from unique life situations: family values, educational backgrounds, mindsets, and even small preferences, like how you brew a cup of tea. Yet, despite these differences, you meet, connect, form a relationship, and may even choose to build a family together.
Over time, a psychological phenomenon may emerge—something we can call ‘Power Consciousness.’ Simply put, this is the drive toward domination, an instinct to reclaim control over your rights and avoid ‘losing’ in the relationship. Often, this impulse is rooted in lessons from childhood, where parents or caregivers taught us to protect our interests. As a result, you may find yourself unconsciously trying to dominate your partner, asserting control over the relationship, and insisting on your way of doing things with thoughts like, ‘I’m right; you’re wrong—follow my lead.’
Though often subconscious, this power struggle can erode intimacy and mutual respect, leading to cycles of control and resentment over time.
The Escalating Conflict in Relationships
This is where things begin to spiral—chances are, your partner is thinking the same way. When both people in a relationship feel they must defend their position, conflicts only intensify. Conversations no longer serve as opportunities for connection or problem-solving; instead, they become battlegrounds focused on proving each other wrong. How can meaningful communication exist in such an environment?
Rather than seeking common ground, conversations turn into battles, where the goal is not resolution but victory over the other. But winning in this way means defeating your partner, and this approach inevitably harms the relationship itself.
Resolving Conflict: Personal Growth is the Key
Let’s be honest—resolving conflict takes more than just words; it often requires a profound realisation or a true shift in perspective. The simple truth is this: the person who feels the most pain is usually the one who must initiate change. Do you see? You cannot “heal” your partner. You can only heal yourself.
If your partner is not ready or willing to change, trying to impose decisions on them—demanding they change to ease your discomfort—will only lead to more frustration. Without their own willingness and readiness, any efforts toward change are unlikely to succeed.
Three Key Steps for Personal Growth in Relationships
There are three effective actions to consider when managing conflict in a relationship:
1. Lower Your Expectations of Others
Start by easing your expectations of your partner. Redirect your expectations inwards instead. Focus on your own growth—becoming healthier, more light-hearted, and building your personal capacity for change. Take time to observe your own habits and growth areas, and ask yourself: What can I improve in my life? What am I lacking? Focus on areas where you can heal, nourish, and improve yourself rather than concentrating on your partner’s perceived shortcomings.
2. Establish Clear Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries with your partner is essential. Some people, when unhappy, seem to expect everyone else to feel the same. But should their unhappiness dictate your emotional state? Just because someone is upset doesn’t mean you need to suffer with them.
Learning to distinguish between what is your responsibility, what is your partner’s responsibility, and what is beyond both of your control is crucial. Many of us waste valuable energy on things we simply cannot change. Without clear boundaries, you risk being drawn into unnecessary suffering.
3. Reclaim Your Inner Value
Redirect your sense of value back to yourself. In relationships, there may be times when you feel diminished or unworthy, especially if your partner makes disparaging remarks, like, ‘You’re terrible,’ or, ‘I’ve done so much more for you than you’ve done for me!’ These statements can slowly erode your self-worth, leading you to think, I’ve tried so hard, yet you still treat me this way. But remember, true self-worth comes from within—through self-acceptance, not from a partner’s validation.
The Key to Lasting Love: Personal Growth Over Fixing
It’s crucial to understand a fundamental truth: love in a relationship isn’t about fixing or compensating for each other’s weaknesses. It’s about individual growth. One of the keys to a healthy, lasting relationship is for each partner to take responsibility for their own development and work to heal any personal wounds independently.
In other words, your partner shouldn’t change simply to meet your needs, and you shouldn’t change just to fulfil theirs. Each person must identify their own pain points and focus on change for their own well-being. Do it for yourself.
Recognising When a Relationship Starts to Fall Apart
Now, let’s address the signs that a relationship may be starting to deteriorate. Psychologist Alfred Adler proposed a theory on the four stages a child goes through when they begin to misbehave. Intriguingly, these stages mirror how relationships decline, including in marriage.
So, what did Adler suggest? He believed that as a child’s misbehaviour escalates, they progress through four distinct stages—stages that can similarly reflect the downward path of a relationship. Let’s explore each stage and what it may mean for your relationship.
Recognising the Stages of a Relationship Falling Apart
Stage One: Seeking Attention
The first stage in a relationship’s decline is often called “seeking attention.” In intimate partnerships, if one partner feels neglected for a prolonged period, they may start acting out—through mischievous behaviour, nitpicking, or deliberately creating unnecessary challenges. These actions signal a need for attention and connection, a way of expressing that their emotional needs are not being met.
Stage Two: Power Struggle
The second stage is known as the “power struggle.” If attention-seeking behaviours go unnoticed or unaddressed, the neglected partner may escalate to defiance and deliberately stirring conflict. For example, if one partner asks the other to clean, the response might be a deliberate refusal. This phase is marked by ongoing arguments over who is “right” or “wrong” and a constant struggle for control. Though the relationship may feel tense, both partners remain emotionally invested, which means the relationship still has the potential for repair—they still care about each other.
Stage Three: Revenge
When a relationship reaches the third stage, real trouble begins. This stage is called “revenge: if I can’t be happy, neither can you.” Here, one partner may actively seek to make the other person’s life difficult out of resentment. For example, if one partner values a clean home, the other might deliberately make a mess. If reputation is important, they may publicly embarrass their partner. When relationships enter this phase of retaliation, it is in serious decline and potentially headed toward separation or divorce. If neither partner finds the strength to rebuild the relationship and they remain together only for superficial reasons, like children or pride, they risk advancing to the final, most damaging stage.
Stage Four: The Point of No Return – Giving Up
The fourth and final stage in a relationship’s breakdown is “giving up.” At this point, the two partners may still live together, but they have given up all hope for love, connection, or meaningful interaction. There are no more demands or expectations; they simply coexist, devoid of the emotional bond that once held them together. This is, in many ways, the saddest kind of relationship—a situation where two people share a life, yet no longer truly sharing life together.
Summarising the Four Stages of a Failing Relationship
1. Seeking Attention: This stage involves creating small problems or engaging in mischievous behaviour to draw attention, signalling a need for emotional connection.
2. Power Struggle: Here, one partner refuses requests or demands, escalating conflicts into a constant battle over who is right. This phase is characterised by increasing tension, though both partners remain emotionally invested.
3. Revenge: Resentment builds, leading one or both partners to act out of spite, seeking to make each other’s life harder. This is often the turning point toward serious relational breakdown.
4. Giving Up: In the final stage, both individuals continue to coexist but have abandoned love, connection, and expectations. The relationship shifts to one of mere coexistence, with emotional ties completely severed.
Returning to the Starting Point in Marriage
When a marriage reaches the third stage of deterioration—where revenge and resentment become part of the dynamic—it enters a truly dangerous zone. While this may sound alarming, there’s still room for hope. In fact, over 90% of marriages can be saved, even at this stage. The key lies in stepping back to reflect on the foundation of your relationship. Why did you and your partner commit to each other in the first place? Revisiting the original bond, the promises, and the dreams you shared can help rekindle the connection and open a path toward healing.
Beyond Daily Routines: The Core of a Fulfilling Marriage
Marriage extends beyond daily responsibilities like cooking, cleaning, or simply sharing a living space. A lasting partnership is built on deeper values—mutual fulfilment and a strong emotional connection. Couples don’t come together merely because they ‘look good’ together but because they feel genuinely good within themselves when they’re with each other. When emotional needs are overlooked, the relationship risks deterioration, often moving through the stages we’ve discussed.
Rebuilding from the Ground Up: Rediscovering the Connection
If your relationship is struggling and has reached a critical stage, the path to healing may be both simple and profound: return to the starting point. This means reconnecting with the core reasons you fell in love, not just by recalling memories but by actively rebuilding the emotional bond that first brought you together. Through renewed understanding and shared commitment, you can lay a stronger foundation for the future.
Rebuilding Connection: The Power of Attention
The first step in healing a troubled relationship is to actively pay attention to your partner. When your partner feels genuinely noticed and valued, it can spark a sense of hope and rekindle the harmony your relationship once had. This act of recognition is a powerful step toward giving your relationship a genuine chance at recovery.
It’s natural to wonder, “Why should I be the one paying attention? Why aren’t they focusing on me?” The answer is straightforward: when someone feels emotionally drained or empty inside, they lack the capacity to give back. It’s challenging to pour into a relationship when your own emotional well is dry.
Healing the Inner Self to Strengthen Relationships
If you’ve experienced emotional deprivation in life—perhaps from a lack of attention during childhood—you may struggle to give fully to others. This kind of deprivation often leaves a void, a ‘trauma’ or ‘black hole,’ that influences how you approach relationships. To truly love and care for someone, you must first work on healing yourself. Filling this emotional gap grants you the inner strength needed for a balanced, healthy connection.
When you’re fulfilled and content within yourself, you have a greater capacity to offer love, attention, and support to your partner. This self-sustained strength helps build the foundation for a lasting, happy marriage.
Final Thoughts
In closing, let me leave you with some key takeaways:
“Whoever is reacting emotionally should be responsible.”
Each of us is responsible for managing our own emotions. If we react emotionally, we should take ownership of those feelings rather than blaming others or expecting others to change, this is a sign of maturity. When we handle our responses, we empower ourselves and set a positive example for our partners.
“Whoever has the problem needs to grow.”
When we face challenges in a relationship, it often signals an area for self-improvement. Rather than placing blame on your partner or expecting them to solve the issue, embrace it as a chance to reflect and evolve. Growth happens when we acknowledge and work through our own limitations, allowing us to strengthen ourselves and, ultimately, our relationship.
“Whoever is in pain should be the one to change.”
When we’re suffering, it’s only natural to hope others will relieve our pain. However, true change lies in taking responsibility for your own healing journey. Instead of waiting for someone else to make things better, take the first steps toward positive change. Hold yourself accountable, empower yourself to make shifts from within, and find a deeper fulfilment in the journey. Real, lasting change begins with you.
Awareness is the foundation of all learning, and self-awareness is where true transformation begins. By becoming more mindful of your emotions, challenges, and sources of pain, you unlock the potential for personal growth and positive change. Recognising and embracing these parts of yourself is the first, empowering step toward building stronger, healthier relationships with both yourself and others.
Thank you for joining this journey of self-discovery. May this discussion offer you valuable insights and tools for growth, and I look forward to continuing our conversation in the next article!
