Should You Get Married? Do We Even Still Need Marriage?
17 DECEMBER 2024
The Meaning of Marriage: A Psychological Perspective
Marriage is a topic that has intrigued and puzzled us for centuries. Many have questioned its relevance, especially in modern times where independence and personal choice reign supreme. I once read a thought-provoking statement: “If a woman is financially independent and lives happily on her own, then what does she need a man for?” While this question challenges traditional norms, is it truly reflective of what marriage is about?
In this article, I want to delve into the meaning of marriage from a psychological perspective. Together, we’ll explore its significance, its potential to bring joy, or pain, and whether it still holds value in our lives today.
Emotional Connections: The Key to Human Happiness
At the heart of human happiness lies something fundamental: emotional connections. This concept isn’t just philosophical; it’s backed by psychology. But what exactly does “connection” mean in this context?
It’s about creating a relationship where emotional attachment and significance thrive. Emotional connection goes beyond mere coexistence. It’s about fulfilling each other’s psychological needs, existing in one another’s emotional worlds, and sharing moments, big or small, that forge bonds of intimacy. Whether through a morning coffee ritual, heartfelt conversations, or simply supporting each other, these exchanges are the threads that weave meaningful relationships.
Simple Gestures to Deep Emotional Bonds
Emotional connections can emerge in the simplest of ways. Imagine saying a heartfelt “thank you” to a delivery person. That moment of acknowledgment makes them feel valued, and their reciprocated smile or thanks can brighten your day. These brief exchanges fulfil our fundamental need to be seen and appreciated.
On the other hand, there are meaningful connections, like leaning on someone during life’s toughest moments. Whether sharing a burden or celebrating a triumph, these deeper bonds go beyond fleeting satisfaction; they shape the foundation of our long-term happiness.
While small acts of connection provide quick bursts of joy, lasting emotional bonds anchor us, offering security and a sense of belonging.
Marriage as a Framework for Deep Connections
As social beings, humans are naturally drawn to fulfilling relationships. However, we aren’t built to maintain close connections with a large circle of people. It’s not the number but the depth and quality of our relationships that truly protect us from loneliness.
For most of us, life feels more complete with at least one person we can turn to, a confidant, a supporter, and a partner. Marriage offers a structure where these deep emotional bonds can flourish. Beyond cultural or societal norms, this is where marriage holds its psychological value. It addresses our inherent need for connection, serving as a sanctuary where shared experiences and trust can grow.
The Significance of Marriage: A Path to Deep Connection
Marriage is fundamentally designed to satisfy our innate need for stable and meaningful emotional bonds. It offers a unique framework where two individuals can come together to build a life of shared experiences, trust, and mutual support.
When Marriage Brings Pain
Despite its purpose, marriage doesn’t always guarantee happiness. Many individuals encounter unhappiness within their marital relationships, often stemming from a lack of mutual emotional engagement or unresolved conflicts. For some, the absence of shared feelings or meaningful exchanges with their partner can be deeply painful.
These challenges can arise from various sources, whether personal incompatibilities or external pressures that strain the relationship. When relationships are poorly managed or neglected, dissatisfaction often follows, leading to feelings of isolation even within the partnership.
Why Marriage Matters Despite Its Challenges
It’s important to recognise that marriage provides the foundation for forming deep emotional connections. Without this framework, cultivating such a strong bond might be more challenging in today’s fast-paced and individualistic world. Marriage encourages commitment, stability, and the kind of shared emotional investment that nurtures closeness.
Of course, the quality of a marriage, and the happiness it brings, depends on many factors, including communication, empathy, and effort from both partners. But the opportunity to build a deep and lasting connection often starts with the institution of marriage itself.
The Significance of Marriage: Meeting Core Needs
Beyond emotional bonds, marriage also serves another fundamental purpose: meeting our core needs as human beings. It’s about having a companion, someone to walk life’s path with, a partner who supports us through triumphs and trials alike.
When Needs Go Unmet
However, for some, this ideal picture doesn’t match reality. You might hear people say, “My partner doesn’t fulfil any of my needs. They don’t even listen when I talk to them.” This sense of disconnection can be deeply frustrating, leaving one feeling unseen and unsupported.
These feelings often arise from a deeper misunderstanding of what marriage represents on a psychological level. Marriage is not merely about having needs met but about creating a partnership where mutual understanding and effort pave the way for growth and fulfilment. When this relationship pattern falters, it’s natural to feel lost or even disillusioned.
Bridging the Gap in Expectations
To navigate these frustrations, it’s crucial to revisit the foundation of the relationship. Misaligned expectations or communication breakdowns are often the culprits. By understanding marriage as a shared journey rather than a source of one-sided fulfilment, partners can work together to rebuild connection and rediscover the deeper purpose of their union.
Endless Desires and Unspoken Expectations
Relationships often bring moments of joy but can also stir deep uncertainty, especially when challenges arise. Some people grapple with the question: Should I stay or leave?
As humans, our desires can feel infinite. We often carry an unspoken checklist of qualities we expect a partner to fulfil, love, trust, loyalty, financial security, care, inner beauty, attractiveness, attention, talent, and more. The truth is, we yearn for so much, and while these desires are natural, they can become overwhelming.
The Burden of Unrealistic Expectations
It’s simply unrealistic to expect one person to fulfil every need. When you place the weight of all your desires on a single partner, disappointment becomes inevitable.
Consider these scenarios:
- You find a partner who is attractive but later feel frustrated by their lack of ambition.
- You meet someone financially successful but struggle to overlook that they don’t meet your ideals for physical appearance.
- A career-driven partner excites you, but the lack of quality time leaves you feeling alone.
- Or, you choose someone deeply present and supportive but worry they lack the ambition to build financial security.
Do you see the pattern? These struggles reveal a common challenge in relationships. Our complex desires don’t just stem from personal expectations but are also shaped by societal ideals about what a “perfect” partner should be.
Understanding the Real Issue
While these conflicting desires often lead to frustration, the problem isn’t necessarily that you’re asking for too much. Instead, the issue lies in how we approach these expectations. Relationships thrive not because partners check every box, but because they find ways to navigate each other’s imperfections and prioritise what truly matters.
Expecting Too Much? Focus on Core Needs in Marriage
It’s perfectly natural to have preferences and high expectations. After all, who doesn’t appreciate beauty, financial stability, or being treated with kindness? These desires reflect basic psychological needs. The challenge arises when we expect one person to fulfil all these needs, which is often unrealistic.
In truth, marriage doesn’t need to meet every single desire. Instead, it should address one or two of your core needs, or at least most of the primary ones.
Prioritising What Matters
Consider this: if your spouse is attractive and considerate, and those qualities align with your biggest needs, then it’s important to appreciate them for that. It’s okay if they don’t share your hobbies or if you can’t discuss every topic with them. Relationships flourish when we allow different people in our lives, friends, family, or even therapists, to fulfil various emotional or intellectual needs.
But here’s the key: communicate this understanding with your partner. Clear communication ensures there’s no misunderstanding about what each of you expects from the marriage. Doesn’t it seem more practical and fulfilling to let a community of relationships meet your broader needs instead of placing all that pressure on one person?
A Balanced Perspective
For instance, if you value financial stability and your partner excels in providing that, it’s important not to dwell on their lack of charm or their inability to always be available. They are already meeting your core need.
Of course, it’s natural to desire more, but understanding that no one person can realistically meet every expectation is crucial for a healthy relationship. Secondary needs, such as a longing for romance or aesthetic appeal, can be satisfied in other ways, like indulging in a favourite book or movie.
If you’re finding yourself in need of deeper emotional support, therapy can also provide a valuable complement to the stability your partner offers. The essence of marriage is not to satisfy every want but to meet the foundational needs that matter most.
Start by Identifying Your Core Needs
Take a moment to reflect on what truly matters to you. If you’ve been with your partner for a while, chances are they already fulfil some of your core needs. If you’re uncertain about what those needs are, don’t worry. Let’s explore a few key values in marriage to help you better understand what’s essential in your relationship.
Core Values in Marriage
Every relationship brings unique strengths and challenges, but understanding the core values your partner contributes can help you navigate your marriage with greater clarity.
1. Material Value
Does your partner contribute to the financial or material stability of your household? If they provide reliable support in this area and other aspects of your relationship are manageable, it might be worth reassessing your expectations and practicing patience. Financial stability is a cornerstone for many partnerships, and its importance should not be underestimated.
2. Emotional Value
If material support is minimal or absent, does your partner make up for it with emotional value? This includes providing intimacy, security, a sense of belonging, and other positive emotions that strengthen your connection. Emotional support often forms the heart of a fulfilling marriage, offering comfort and reassurance during life’s ups and downs.
3. Growth Value
If emotional value is lacking, consider whether the relationship contributes to your personal growth. Does being with your partner help you learn, improve, or evolve into a better version of yourself? Growth value can manifest in mutual support for each other’s ambitions, shared learning experiences, or simply encouraging each other to strive for greater things.
4. Physical Value
Finally, if none of the above values are strongly present, does your partner contribute in practical, physical ways? This might include handling household chores, cooking, or offering care and support through their presence. These seemingly small contributions can have a significant impact on the quality of your daily life and should not be overlooked.
Reflecting on What Matters
Understanding these values helps you appreciate what your partner brings to the relationship, even if it’s not always obvious. If your partner excels in at least one of these areas, it may be worth valuing the strengths they offer rather than dwelling on their shortcomings.
However, if none of these values are present, it’s important to honestly ask yourself: What am I gaining from this relationship? Is it worth continuing? Before making any decisions, reflect on your relationship with both honesty and compassion.
Let’s also remember that it is extremely rare for one person to provide all four values. Relationships aren’t about perfection but about finding balance and shared effort.
Finding Happiness in Marriage
What does happiness in marriage truly mean?
A beautiful saying goes, “From the vast ocean and sea, take only what belongs to me.” This phrase beautifully encapsulates the idea of choosing one person from infinite possibilities and cherishing them wholeheartedly. It symbolises loyalty, exclusivity, and the deep connection that forms when we commit to a single partner despite the many alternatives.
The Essence of Contentment
While this poetic idea of loyalty is inspiring, true happiness in marriage goes beyond simply being faithful. It lies in learning to appreciate and cherish the unique value your partner brings to your life, even if that value doesn’t meet every ideal or expectation.
Marriage is not about finding perfection but about celebrating what is meaningful and enduring in your relationship. When you focus on the strengths and positive qualities your partner offers, you create space for contentment to flourish.
Balancing Expectations in Marriage
Marriage is often a delicate dance of give and take, where understanding and compromise are key to building a fulfilling partnership.
Appreciating Your Partner’s Contributions
For instance, a woman might be financially independent and fully capable of earning her own income. However, if her husband provides tenderness, care, and love, isn’t that just as valuable? On the other hand, if a man is focused on ensuring financial stability, he may not always be available emotionally or physically.
In today’s world of economic pressures, many partners work tirelessly to secure their family’s future. While this can sometimes mean they are less present in other areas, it’s essential to acknowledge and value the contributions they do make, even if they don’t meet every need.
Shifting the Focus to Gratitude
Rather than focusing solely on what’s missing, it’s important to appreciate the contributions your partner does make. Avoid falling into the habit of constantly criticising them for what they lack, whether that’s material, emotional, growth, or physical support. Instead, try reflecting on their strengths and the positive impact they have on your life.
At the same time, take a moment to turn the lens inward. Ask yourself: “What am I offering in return? Am I contributing to this partnership in meaningful ways?” Marriage thrives when both partners actively invest in understanding, supporting, and appreciating each other.
The Art of Love: Value Exchange and Cooperation
Love as a Balanced Exchange
At its core, true love is about value exchange, a relationship built on cooperation and mutual benefit. Loving someone deeply involves understanding their essence and appreciating their unique qualities without constantly highlighting their flaws.
Loving relationships thrive when both partners see each other as allies rather than adversaries. This requires a foundation of mutual respect, where giving and receiving occur in harmony.
The Wisdom of Letting Go
Not every problem in a relationship needs to be solved or dissected. Some issues, when left alone, lose their significance over time. Learning when to let certain matters rest is part of the delicate art of being together. This doesn’t mean avoiding all conflicts but recognising that not every disagreement requires immediate resolution.
In fact, couples who love each other can thrive for a lifetime without resolving every single issue. By avoiding the trap of obsessively seeking solutions to all problems, they create space for mutual respect and harmony.
Focusing on the Bigger Picture
Love also means choosing to focus on the bigger picture rather than magnifying every imperfection. This requires wisdom, the ability to discern what truly matters in the long term versus what can be left behind. It’s about understanding when to engage and when to step back, preserving peace and strengthening your bond.
By embracing this mindset, you allow love to grow in depth and resilience. Learning this art doesn’t happen overnight, but with time and effort, it can transform your relationship into a source of lasting joy and connection.
The Dangers of Perfectionism in Relationships
When High Standards Become a Barrier
You might find yourself thinking, “I need my partner to be 100% honest and transparent. Everything must be done exactly the way I want because I’m fully committed, and they should be too. That’s just who I am.”
But here’s the truth: this mindset, while well-intentioned, can harm your relationships more than help them. Striving for perfection is not inherently wrong, especially if it motivates you to achieve personal or professional success. However, when these high standards begin to create conflict or place undue strain on your relationships, it’s time to pause and reflect.
The Psychological Perspective
Psychology tells us that excessively rigid expectations can sometimes stem from tendencies associated with obsessive personality traits or even grandiose narcissism. This isn’t about attaching labels but rather about recognising how such behaviours may affect your relationships and personal well-being.
It’s essential to ask yourself: Are my expectations creating a stronger bond, or are they pushing my partner away?
Embracing Flexibility and Growth
Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and adaptability, not rigid control. Learning to let go of the need for absolute perfection allows space for both partners to grow and evolve together.
Instead of focusing on what your partner should be doing, shift your perspective to what they are doing right. This mindset not only encourages gratitude but also helps build a more cooperative, fulfilling relationship.
The True Meaning of Marriage: Beyond Societal Expectations
Letting Go of External Pressures
Marriage should never be about meeting the expectations of others, whether it’s societal norms, the opinions of relatives and friends, or a perceived obligation to maintain a family legacy. Nor should it feel like a box to check off simply because you’ve reached a certain age. These external pressures can obscure the real purpose of marriage and lead to dissatisfaction.
Instead, the decision to marry should stem from personal fulfilment and a genuine connection with your partner.
Marriage as a Partnership of Fulfilment
At its core, marriage is about satisfying one of our most innate human needs: the desire for a deep and meaningful emotional connection. It’s about finding a partner who understands you, shares your life’s challenges, and celebrates your joys. Even if your partner meets just one of your core needs deeply, that bond can create immense meaning in your life.
Marriage is not about perfection, it’s about mutual support. Having someone to turn to during life’s ups and downs can make even the toughest challenges feel less daunting. It’s this sense of togetherness and shared responsibility that gives marriage its true significance.
Why Do Marriages Fall Short?
If marriage is meant to fulfil these essential needs, why do so many fail to bring happiness? This question points to a deeper truth: understanding and managing expectations within a marriage is critical. Without clarity, communication, and mutual respect, even the most well-intentioned unions can falter.
The Reality of Love vs. Marriage: Two Different Realms
Love and Marriage: Not the Same Language
You’ve likely come across relationship advice that promises to keep the spark alive indefinitely, suggesting that every day can feel like the honeymoon phase. While this idea is appealing, it doesn’t align with psychological reality. Love and marriage are distinct concepts, they function in entirely different realms.
Love thrives in the realm of uncertainty, excitement, and discovery. It’s fuelled by novelty and the thrill of the unknown. On the other hand, marriage is rooted in stability, familiarity, and predictability. These qualities provide the security and trust needed for a lasting partnership.
Both are equally valuable but fulfil different emotional needs. Recognising this difference is crucial to embracing the evolution of your relationship.
Why the Thrill of Love Fades
Humans are hardwired to seek novelty and excitement. This craving is rooted in our primal instincts, which are governed by the “pleasure principle”, our natural drive to seek immediate gratification. While this instinct once helped our ancestors survive by pursuing food, shelter, and mates, in modern relationships, it can create tension between the desire for newness and the need for stability.
Marriage, with its routines and shared responsibilities, may not always satisfy the part of us that longs for unpredictability. But this doesn’t mean something is wrong with the relationship. Instead, it’s a reminder that love and marriage serve different purposes, both of which are essential in their own ways.
Marriage as a Restraint: A Legal and Social Framework
The Role of Boundaries in Marriage
Marriage, at its core, is more than a romantic bond, it’s a boundary, a legal and social framework that shapes human behaviour. While the concept of restraint may seem restrictive, it plays a critical role in maintaining both personal and societal balance.
Without the institution of marriage, individuals might easily indulge in multiple partnerships, prioritising fleeting desires over meaningful commitments. Imagine a world without this formal framework, where would people find the deep sense of belonging and accountability that marriage provides?
Marriage as a Channel for Stability
Marriage is more than a personal promise of loyalty and emotional security; it’s a societal tool that regulates human desires and behaviours. By creating boundaries, it encourages individuals to focus their energies on building a committed, stable partnership. This structure helps balance personal fulfilment with societal harmony, ensuring that relationships contribute to a more organised and supportive community.
The Chemistry of Love: Excitement Through Uncertainty
Love as a Thrill-Fueled Chemical Reaction
What is love, really? At its core, love is a cocktail of adrenaline, dopamine, and hormones, a vibrant chemical reaction within the body. It’s that electric rush you feel during moments of excitement, similar to watching an intense sports game or taking on a daring challenge.
In these moments, love is fuelled by uncertainty. The unknown, the thrill of what might happen, creates a sense of adventure and spontaneity. Whether it’s the anticipation in a game, the suspense in a movie, or the exhilaration of a new romance, the magic lies in not knowing the outcome. Remove the uncertainty, and the experience loses its spark.
The Evolution of Love
As time passes, love often transforms. The initial thrill fades, making way for something more enduring, an attachment built on trust and understanding. This shift from excitement to stability doesn’t diminish love; rather, it deepens it, creating a foundation for a lasting bond.
Where Marriage Comes In
But if love is all about unpredictability and excitement, what is marriage? How does it fit into this evolving journey of emotional connection?
Marriage: Fulfilling the Need for Certainty
From Passion to Stability
Marriage is the counterbalance to the electrifying uncertainty of early-stage love. It satisfies our intrinsic need for certainty, a longing for security, belonging, intimacy, and shared values. While the early days of romantic love flood your body with adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin, creating an intoxicating cocktail of excitement, these feelings inevitably fade before you even notice the shift.
The Hormonal Shift in Long-Term Relationships
In marriage, a different set of hormones take centre stage. Long-term commitment triggers the release of serotonin, endorphins, and oxytocin, fostering a sense of stability, comfort, and emotional bonding. These biochemicals build the foundation of a secure and enduring relationship, marking a transition from fiery passion to warm companionship.
The Lasting Fulfilment of Marriage
While the thrill of new love is undeniably exhilarating, the comfort found in a stable marriage offers a different kind of fulfilment. The emotional connection and sense of continuity that marriage provides often outweigh the fleeting highs of passion, creating a deep and lasting satisfaction that sustains partners through life’s ups and downs.
Balancing Certainty and Uncertainty in Long-Term Relationships
The Role of Surprises in Stable Relationships
In a stable, long-term relationship, creating moments of surprise can be a delightful way to reignite sparks of excitement. These spontaneous gestures help break the repetitiveness of daily routines and infuse joy into the relationship. However, it’s important to keep expectations realistic. The intense passion of a relationship’s early days naturally wanes after a few years, giving way to the everyday realities of life, managing household chores, raising children, handling finances, and navigating the inevitable changes that come with aging.
Understanding Certainty and Excitement
Life is a mix of certainty and uncertainty, and each plays a unique role in relationships. Certainty provides the foundation of stability, security, and comfort that partners rely on. In contrast, moments of excitement add vibrancy and novelty, making the journey of life more enjoyable. The key is not to confuse the two, certainty grounds a relationship, while excitement enhances it.
Ways to Rekindle Excitement
Couples can invigorate their relationship through shared new experiences, such as exploring hobbies together, travelling, or trying something novel. These activities add moments of excitement without compromising the stability that a committed relationship provides.
The Danger of Misplaced Expectations
If you find yourself constantly chasing excitement and unpredictability within a committed relationship, it’s important to pause and reflect. Such a mindset, if unchecked, often leads to dissatisfaction. And let’s be honest, this pursuit of thrill can pave the way toward extramarital affairs, which rarely solve the underlying issues but instead create new challenges.
The Danger of Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage
The Illusion of Eternal Honeymoon Bliss
Have you ever come across influencers or coaches promising “three tricks to keep your marriage in the honeymoon phase forever”? While these claims may sound enticing, they often lead to frustration rather than happiness. Why? Because this ideal is simply unattainable. Pursuing it only raises your expectations to unrealistic levels, leaving you disappointed when reality doesn’t align.
Why Expectations Become Unrealistic
In the early days of a relationship, love feels effortless, everything is new, thrilling, and instantly rewarding. But over time, circumstances shift. Your priorities change, and your partner’s affection evolves along with their own needs and challenges. Chasing the initial spark of the honeymoon phase often leads to a harsh realisation: the magic you once felt is not lost but has transformed into something deeper and less immediate.
The Risk of Chasing the Spark
For some, the frustration of unmet expectations can lead them to seek that initial thrill elsewhere, through an extramarital affair or a lover. While this may provide temporary excitement, it often results in a fractured marriage and emotional fallout for everyone involved.
Embracing the Depth of Long-Term Commitment
Instead of chasing fleeting excitement, focus on nurturing the intimacy and shared experiences that grow and evolve within a committed relationship. The joy of a long-term partnership lies in its depth, an understanding and connection that far surpasses the fleeting passion of early love.
The Changing Needs Across Life Stages and the Role of Marriage
Evolving Needs Across Life Stages
Every stage of life brings unique needs, challenges, and priorities, which inevitably shape our views on marriage. As we grow, these changing needs often prompt us to revisit key questions:
- “Do we really need marriage?”
- “What are the benefits of marriage?”
- “Is marriage inherently good or bad?”
These questions don’t have definitive answers because their relevance and importance shift depending on where you are in life.
Marriage as a Journey, Not a Destination
For those between their 20s and 50s, whether navigating a new marriage, enduring the trials of a long-term relationship, or recovering from divorce, each stage of marriage offers lessons, whether joyful or painful. Much like investing in the stock market, some people remain steadfast in their commitment, hoping for long-term rewards, while others step away after losses, or changes in their priorities.
Regardless of the path, every experience, success, struggle, or failure, shapes your journey. Marriage, even when imperfect, has the potential to teach resilience, patience, and self-discovery.
Turning Challenges Into Wisdom
Over time, the ups and downs of relationships become part of the wealth of wisdom you carry. When you look back, even the most difficult chapters of your story can feel like stepping stones that led to personal growth. Challenges that once seemed insurmountable often transform into powerful lessons, equipping you with a deeper understanding of yourself and others.
Closing Statement: Marriage
A Balance of Gains and Losses
Life rarely offers experiences that can be neatly categorised as purely gains or losses, and marriage is no exception. In marriage, the loss of certain freedoms or personal autonomy may be offset by the companionship, support, and shared experiences it brings. This duality is what makes marriage a rich and complex journey, a blend of moments that challenge and nurture us.
The Lessons in Loss
Every loss in marriage, whether emotional, physical, or situational, often comes with an opportunity to gain invaluable life lessons. Perhaps you learn patience from enduring tough times or develop empathy by working through conflicts. These experiences shape who you are, adding layers of depth to your character.
Everyone’s Path Is Unique
Marriage isn’t a universal solution for happiness, nor is it a path that everyone must take. Each person’s journey is unique, and the decision to marry, or not, should align with your personal values and desires, not societal expectations.
What matters most is not the label of being married or single but the fulfilment you find in your choices and relationships. Your happiness lies in how you navigate life’s complexities, whether alongside a partner or independently.
